(Yes the picture above is a hat from a Justin Bieber concert…don’t judge.)
I’m guessing this title has you wondering what the heck I am thinking and what message I am trying to send. The whole point of the blog is to not apologize for going after the life you want and the things that make you happy so why now am I saying its okay to apologize?
Because sometimes it is more than okay, it is necessary….
Being the parent of two young women is my biggest source of joy and purpose and at the same time, is my biggest trigger for self-doubt, regret and guilt. My voracious love for my girls blended with my propensity to always see the most efficient solution to a problem poses some unique challenges. I am working hard to try and just ‘listen’ when they want to talk instead of launching head on into my rapid fire of advice about how to solve the issue. I see them shut down when I do that and it is a constant battle to check myself at the door. Complicating things even further is adding an Italian background to this already lively potion….I tend to react with passion if I feel strongly about something and as you can imagine, that does not always set the table for a calm conversation.
This week I had an incident where I said something to one of my girls that in hindsight was really pretty awful. When it came out of my mouth, the intention behind it was to protect her and help elevate her but in doing so, unfortunately I did so at the expense of someone else that I care about. My daughter obviously was angry but she handled herself with grace, calmly told me I was out of line, and left the house. I knew instantly she was right and after she left my husband and other daughter confirmed that with their reaction. I immediately apologized via text and intentionally made NO excuses for my comment.
I followed up with my daughter a bit later with an explanation of what I was trying to say, not to make her forgive me (and I told her she should be mad for a while) but rather so that when she was ready, she could hopefully see that my intention was not to be hurtful to this other person. That does NOT absolve me from what I’ve done. It may not even make a difference in how she sees the situation now, or maybe ever. Honestly, it was the least valuable part of the interaction and was something I wanted for me….it did not serve my repairing things with her at all.
A Real Apology Is Hard
Oftentimes when we apologize, we say “I’m Sorry but here’s why I did what I did……….”. That’s an apology for hurting or upsetting the person, but not an apology for the action that caused the hurt.
Everybody, LISTEN UP!! That is not an apology! If you are sorry for what you did because you hurt someone, it doesn’t matter in that moment WHY you did it. Just say sorry for doing it and leave it at that. It’s hard and I am still not successful at it, but what I realized was, when and if she wants to talk about what happened, that is when I can share why I said what I said. But the time for that interaction needs to be driven by her. I hurt her. I need to give her space to be angry and upset and then when the time comes to repair, we can talk about it.
One more thing that I need to remember and would remind all of you….and it might be the hardest part of all….I have to give up being RIGHT! In this situation, I am the parent and I felt so strongly in that moment that I needed to protect her with my advice. Perhaps the core of what I was saying has merit but I AM NOT RIGHT. It is her life and I have to show her that I trust her to discover her own truth. Even if it’s not a parent/child relationship, if you are determined to be right and force your view on someone else, you are depriving them of the opportunity to define what is right for them. You also deprive yourself of listening to a different perspective that could teach you something new. The way my daughter reacted, calm and firm, made me pause long enough to realize the kind of apology she deserved. It wasn’t a perfect apology but next time I will do better and isn’t that the best we can hope for….continually growing and improving?
Being Better One Day At A Time
I’m always working to be a better person and a better parent and I fail more often than I care to admit, but I hope the people around me know that, even in my failures, love drives everything I do, good and bad. By sharing these failures, I hope you all feel like you aren’t alone when and if they happen to you. The ugly part of being human is a hard thing to share but in doing so, we can support each other as we strive to be a little better today than we were yesterday.
And just for the record, I’m still kind of in the dog house with my daughter but, in some twisted way, waiting for her to come to me feels like I’m doing a little better than yesterday. 🙂