Don’t Say Sorry – No Really, Stop Saying It!

I’ve just returned from my first trip to the UK and I had the chance to spend some time in London as well as Sheffield so that explains the need for a crown to be included somewhere on this post. Please excuse the complete stereotypical nature of the image to the left but it makes me happy, so there you have it 🙂

I’m still reveling in my short time in that wonderful country and all of the experiences that were packed into 4 short days. I traveled with my dear, wonderful friend, with whom I can be my most honest self and she loves me anyway and I, in turn, feel the same about her. We had never traveled together before with the exception of a weekend with our families here and there, so this was truly uncharted territory. While I had no doubt that we would be get along fine during the trip, it still could have gone wrong in the littlest of ways.

For Example:

• Does one of us like to meander and the other walks with purpose?
• Does one enjoy reading all of the history at the attractions and does the other want to move through quickly?
• Does one want to eat and the other isn’t hungry?
• Does one want to talk and the other needs some down time?

None of these are major issues and we are both pretty easy going but I still found myself on what I would call ‘heightened alert’ in trying to be a good travel companion. For me, that manifested by a lot of me saying “I’m Sorry” in situations where it just wasn’t warranted AT ALL. I caught myself saying that phrase in a whole bunch of situations when really, I was just trying to express that I wanted to be sensitive to how she was feeling about a certain situation. Throughout the trip I kept catching myself and I really had a difficult time putting an end to it. As I reflected on this, it hit me like a ton of bricks and was a reminder of where the idea for this blog came from in the first place.

While “I’m Sorry” are the nicest of words with the kindest of sentiments behind them, for me (and I imagine for many others) they have become an almost toxic phrase.  I realize that every time I say these words and I, in fact, had no impact or control over what I am apologizing for, I put myself in a place of subservience and unimportance. My husband points it out to me all the time, in his joking way: Me: “How was your day”? Husband: “Good but my back was really sore today.” Me: “I’m Sorry”. Husband: “I don’t think you caused my back to hurt today”. Touché…………..

A trite example maybe, but the point is there and he reminds me of it all the time – I have nothing to be sorry for. It minimizes me when I say that and it does not inspire others to treat me with respect because I am showing a lack of respect for myself. I do it unconsciously, without even being aware of the impact.  I am sabotaging myself in front of my spouse (thankfully he gets me), my children (two teenage girls who watch every move I make), coworkers (I am in a position of power in a male dominated industry), friends (I am surrounded by incredible, strong women). I deserve better than that and they deserve better from me.

Do you do this? Take notice of when you say these words and how often it is that you really have nothing to be sorry for. Try to be aware of when you should be sorry and when other words might be more appropriate. Come up with some other phrases and try them out instead: “I Understand”, “I Can Empathize”, “That’s Too Bad”, “How Frustrating”, “Excuse Me”. I am challenging myself to replace this phrase in my vocabulary and replace it with more appropriate words in an effort to not take responsibility for things that are not my fault.

Chime in and let me know if this is a challenge for you and if you have had success in changing this habit.